| | Spent my whole day reading. Time passes by quickly...
I keep wondering whether i should change my blog. I am fickle-minded like that. I love my xanga. I guess its really easy to look up for me cause i havent blog hop much. And i would always come back to xanga.
i have been asking and telling people i think i should change links. One of the reason is to start anew.
I read my past entries and i am bloody thankful i left Burn.
Oh yes.. I won't deny this. I loved him. But not anymore. I cant love him again. That means i will not take him back into my life. I lost my feelings for him waaaaay before whatever shit started. I lost my trust in him. Slowly it fade away. The only reason i stayed on was because, he is The Father. I want a perfect family for nana.
And now after all of this is over, i have erased most memories i had of him. Totally erased. People might think i do it so fast and painlessly. But i lost the feelings long long ago it only took awhile for me to have the courage to actually be a single parent.
Huda, Wani and a few knew i cried and cried and cried. How afraid i was..
Reading back this blog, scared shitless out of me... how much of a fool i was. How depressed i was...
If there is a happy post it would be about Nuryna's growth. Other than that i was ranting MAD about Burn.
I was a crazy bitch on the loose. I'd go shouting at him in public, throwing any possible thing to (hopefully) hit his head (one of a very bad habit nana picked from me) and i hardly smile.
I hardly smiled.
I moved on. I think i smile more often than before.
I feel free.
I cant say i am truly off love. I believe in Love. Somewhere inside of me i am still a hopeless girl who wants to grow old with someone special.
I may feel abit lonely at times. I cant really tell who are my friends. I am not talking to a best friend which sometimes just make me feel very very sad. She'd laugh her head off about Nana's antics. I miss her but everytime i feel like calling her, i stop short and very afraid i would bother her life. Or being told off.
And this Single But Not Available thing is really getting to me. For me to go on about this STATUS thing would get me rabbling; it needs its an entry on its own. 
One can only get so tired of playing the same game over and over again.
I do not have a boyfriend.
I do not have to do any breakups.
I am like an item waiting for disposal. Things should not be repeated to other ears, top notch secret. Whatever happen should end there and then. Discard if found. Erase all memories of last night, over and out.
YET.. YET... There have to be some form of MUTUAL respect two must share.
Read this. It takes two to tango. Two hands to clap. and all that crap.
Oh. I hate it when people go, "Oh this is the one . . . . " You mean there are Other One? Two? Three?
Or even, "Oh the other time ah?" There are many other times..?
Look. Its Every Time and The Only One.
Well. For my case it is.
and then, "Whoaaa.. Thats long.."
Welcome to my club, i am awed too. I wonder why every time too (not necessarily while peeing)
Go slap yourself..
JUST DOING ALL THAT SHIT MAKE ME FEEL SHITY.
*clear throat* Apologies, its my hormones reacting. Again.
Saying No More is quite hard. I'd be making people laugh their lunch out if i ever mention, "Oh i shall quit smoking/ clubbing/ drinking"
Quit is a very strong word.
And putting it a sentence with Yours Truly apparently is a joke. Instead of support, i'd get snorts.
Ok ok.
This is Me. I really did cut down smoking. The last box of ciggie i smoke 20 sticks all on my own (meaning no Rokok Rewang-ing) lasted 4 fucking days. Clubbing and drinking is more social then anything else. Not that we can do alot of hearty talks in a Club but it is something social. But it wasnt as fun as before. Getting older i guess...
Oh and yes, i am not THAT friendly. I am a person of very few words. Well at least with acquaintances. You dont talk, I am very fine being on my own and daydreaming.
Think twice too before talking to me, i might never stop talking sometimes. HEHX
Oh dear. this have been a lengthy post.. I guess to cover up the temporary dissapearing act i made. And yes, a very heartfelt entry. I haven't really blog much about my thoughts have i?
Oh wells. Thats it for tonight. 
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| | Posted 7/6/2009 11:49 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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